


Things I Never Say

by twelveisagoodone



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Clara POV sometimes, F/M, Insights of series 8 episodes, Romance, Slow Burn Relationship, The Doctor's POV mostly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-25 00:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3789691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twelveisagoodone/pseuds/twelveisagoodone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They always end up leaving him, in one way or another. He always knew that. But he can't avoid falling for them, diving into relationships that will only lead to heartbroken, his or their, but usually both. He thought he was strong, he thought he was wise, that after two thousand years of living across time and space he was above all that. But he is just an idiot, traveling in a blue box, still learning, still living to regret his errors and celebrate his joys. Still too much alive to give up his believe in sacred promises.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things I Never Say

**Author's Note:**

> This is a series of one shots with insights about the Twelfth Doctor and Clara relationship from the regeneration trough Last Christmas, mostly from the Doctor's point of view, but probably I will write some from Clara's.

Change.

Everything changes all the time in the entire universe. And every change, even the little ones, triggers some kind of reaction at some point, creating the inevitable chain of events that keeps everything moving on, growing and evolving. That’s the beauty of the self-contained mystery that writes the lines of stories and legends yet to be told creating an incredible adventure called life.

Change, the curse or the blessing of a Time Lord, something that even after two thousand years he hasn’t yet figured out which one. But the mystery that life is keeps surprising him and when he is supposed to die, he regenerates once more. A gift from the Time Lords, they say, an entirely new cycle of regenerations to the man that makes the universe a safer place.

But he knows that is much more than that. It is a second chance, forged and only possible because of love. Her love. For him. And that makes him believe that it is a blessing after all. It is a blessing that gifts him with a second chance to make things right, to make things better. And he will do it, for her, he thinks.

He is scared. No, not scared, terrified is a more precise word. As he has never been before. Not because of the regeneration itself, which is stressing enough to make the toughest of the Time Lords shake on his knees. But because this particular regeneration is completely different from everything he has already lived. It is the first one from this new cycle. And he really doesn’t know what to expect.

But there is always hope where there is love. So he holds tight with his both hands on his love for her and searches inside him the courage to face the moments ahead, even when his hearts shatter to see her falling apart because of him.

He knows that it won’t take much time now; the regeneration energy runs wild inside of his blood and his cells. The changing has begun. He feels strange, inadequate in his own clothes and his own skin. Slowly he removes the bowtie from his neck because it feels wrong. He watches as the cool fabric slips through his fingers to gently rest next to his feet, on the metallic floor of the TARDIS.

He looks at her and she is crying and he wants to cry too, but he fights to put himself together, for her. He needs to be strong for her. He wants to hold her tight and whisper on her hair that everything will be fine. It will take just a moment, one moment more and he will back to her and then, they will laugh together again and run hand in hand across the stars once more.

It finally hits him that this is it; this is their final moment. He will never see her again with these same eyes; he will never touch her again with these same hands. But he knows that he will always love her with every fibre of his being, with everything that resides in him and defines him, even knowing that that maybe won’t be enough.

Then he finally understands the cruel irony that makes change more a curse than a blessing for him. Or maybe he just remembers it now that the time has come again.

It is for her his last words, his last gaze, his last thoughts. His body shakes with the violent force of the regeneration energy, throwing his head back and making him shut his eyes. When he opens them again she is there. Yet. And again. She is his first everything and that only sears her even more into his hearts and carves her into his soul, now more than ever.

His mind is blurred, his head spins, his body is sore and exhausted. He doesn’t know exactly who he is or where he is. He doesn’t know many things and he doesn’t even know if he is supposed to know something at all. But he is completely aware and entirely absorbed in her presence. His hearts beat out of sync and right now she is the only thing that stops him from falling apart, because, even not knowing who she is, she still is the only certainty he has.

She seems to be terrified and he can’t blame her because he is terrified too. But he hasn’t time to elaborate that because they are falling. His kidneys have a terrible colour and they are still arranging themselves inside him and they are still falling. His voice sounds strange to his ears bit nothing seems to stop them from falling. And he hasn’t the faintest idea of how to pilot the thing that is carrying them around. Maybe she knows.

\-- 0 – 0 --

Change.

He changes and that changes everything. No, not everything, not how he feels about her. Never what he feels about her, that can’t ever be changed, that much he knows.

She can’t see him and that is almost more that he can bear. She looks at him like he is a stranger and what hurts him most is that it’s not because of his different face, it’s not because of the lines that now cover his face, not even because the silver curls of his hair. She doesn’t trust him anymore, she doesn’t know who he is inside his hearts. The pain of her rejection each time she looks at him cuts his skin and reaches his bones in a path of fire and blood through his soul.

So, he spends some time alone to clear his thoughts, to regain control over his mind and rebuild his walls, to adjust himself to this new him. And he comes back for her when he thinks he is strong enough to face her again without falling apart in front of her eyes.

But apart from her and the feeling that makes his hearts jump out of his chest when he sees her again, he is still unsure about himself, he still questions his motivations and his beliefs and what lies inside of his hearts. And that makes him fear for her.

When he sees her again, her shoes clapping on the cold metal floor of the TARDIS, he knows that there is no salvation for him. But maybe there is still time to save her.

He fools himself saying that what he does, he does to protect her because he doesn’t want to hurt her anymore. When the words come out of his lips they leave a bitter taste in his mouth and burn a hole in his heart, but he goes on because he thinks it’s the right thing to do.

“I’m not your boyfriend,” he hears his new voice echoing inside his ship and the grey mask of her face makes his knees shake. But my hearts still beat for you and I’ll be always yours, he would like to say instead, but swallow his words because it is the best thing to do, for her. For both of them.

Her phone rings and he knows already who is it while he watches her walking out of the TARDIS to answer it. He gives her time to say her goodbyes to his old him and takes that time to refrain the tears that prickle the corner of his eyes.

He hopes that his old self can help her, can help him. Because he needs her, more than she can possibly know. Much more than he is telling her on the phone right now, much more than he will ever be able to tell her.

There is still doubt in her eyes when she looks at him and that hurts him all over again. And he begs her to see through him, to search for him inside his eyes, to see the truth. It takes her a moment to close the distance between them, eyes locked on his making him uneasy. But a smile lights up her features when she throws her arms around him and makes his hearts stop and catches his breath in his throat as if his lungs have just forgotten how to breathe.

Maybe there is still hope. For him. For both of them.


End file.
